As I laid there enveloped in my maddening chronic pain, I felt the weight of depression fall deep in my body. The frail edges of my reality started to curl under the heat of my anger and frustration. The hopes and dreams had all but dwindled into old scribblings of a mad man and the visions of future were drowned in every day tears. I was losing myself in a void of lost hope and cried out loud.
“Why Lord, have you left me in this place void of your life and hope? Why am I stuck here with no beginning and no end. Where will I go from this lost place? Without your hope and your life, I will wander all the days of my life with no hope and no vision. I am blinded to your will and yet I am in it. I am holding on breath by breath as my soul breaks my body in writhing pain for I cannot see what is to come to pass. I have gone wayside for anxiety and there is no street left to follow, no staff left to feel in my withered hand. I can only reach out in the darkness and cry for you to hold my hand. I wretch at the thought of losing you, my last stronghold to this reality, my last saving Grace.”
“For you promised not to leave me or forsake me. You promised to hold me up with your righteous hand and even as I suffocate in the waters of tears and sweat, I still seek you, my God, my Savior, to lift me out of this place and sit me at the right side of Him to Honor Your Glory and Praise.”
Seeking passage through these dark days, I read your scriptures. I employed all the things you have set on this sound mind to deliberate. Such as numbers and their meanings and things such as words and their derivatives; and I see you speak to me. You toss me about like a row boat in an oceans storm and give me candlelight to read by, but it is enough. For I have heard the word of the Lord and these are my blessings.
This lost soul is my hope that I might be saved one day from the pride this man holds. This chronic pain I feel may be the staff that holds my weakness before my King. This anger may be the fall of my footing to rest instead of run. These things are the foundation of my path to you that I might see my weakness and need of you. And that I will lie down, here in this dark place and light a lamp of faith, and wait on you my Lord to come rescue me.
And as I gazed on this verse this morning, my lamp oil running thin, you showed me your grace, your presence with me there.
Blessed are the Poor in Spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
I knew then, what I was feeling. I was feeling poor in spirit. But you came and pointed to the fruit and fed me. You drew the shade and the Son warmed my face. Tears of Joy leapt from my blind eyes and my vision restored. The pain gripped my body, by my feet found ground and my pace quickened to the light of the world. The fruit you had given was so full of quenching water and filling my soul, I saw the message written on the page.
Matthew…. Five…. Three. Meaning; Grace Complete, from “Numerology of the Bible” by Steven Scheffler. You loved me even as I laid there broken and told me, it is in this place that I now can save you. For all your weakness, I will give you a Kingdom because now, you comprehend my gift. You raised me from the brink of death, from my last breaths, from myself. You have crowned my head with Grace and clothed me in Righteousness. Forever more will I reign in Your Glory.
Forevermore will I be faceted like a jewel in the Kings Crown, never to be removed from His sight. I will lay in rest and shine the brightest for He has molded the beauty that glows from within and all the people will look upon the brightness of His crown and say, “What Glory do we see shining from that stone which was once clay, but now it is of great strength and nothing can put out it’s light!” My light shall shine forever and my spirit with it.
Praise God for His Loving Kindness comes to us in the darkest of places. His Mercy supersedes every sentence of death and His Gladness conquers all stays of depression! I rejoice in my sorrow for I was found and will be bound and rooted in Him forever. Amen